You know, I have a great dislike for most politicians as a lot of them do not see the world as it is. For some reason these politicians or political parties are, well, shall we just say they’re either naive or perhaps just plain stupid.

Take the following scenario for example. I got this in an email, and it’s obviously a joke, but it portrays the point I’m trying to make.

The New South Wales Government and the NSW Greens Party were presenting an alternative to local farmers for controlling the native dingo population.

It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers offered a more humane solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, where the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be better controlled.

This was actually proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the combination of State Government and the Greens.

All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand our problem….Those dingos ain’t fuckin’ our sheep – they’re eatin’ them!”

I’ve actually posted this as part of my Friday’s Funnies, because I really thought it was bloody hilarious. I hope you enjoyed it.

Even though it’s Saturday here, I reckon it’s Friday somewhere around the globe and so I am posting this as part of the Friday’s Funnies series.

It’s an email that I received ages ago but lost it within my inbox. I found it while giving the inbox a general cleaning. It’s a killer, I hope you enjoy it.

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked.

‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.’

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’

‘ No, not yet,’ replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’

‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.

‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’

‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!’

For today’s Friday Funnies I thought I would just put together some funny beer commercials. I think this one is an Aussie Beer commercial.

This next one is from Denmark and it’s sort of a spoof off the old beer goggle joke. Quite good too.

Nd for the last one, let’s not forget our Yankee mates, here’s one advertising Bud Light

I don’t think that anyone will argue that certain differences exist between men and women. They think differently, have different opinions and rarely agree on certain things. These differences are so that someone even came up with the saying that ‘men are from Mars and women are from Venus’. Whatever! Anyway, the thing is that there is a big difference and you will find a lot of jokes about the difference between a man and a woman. This particular excerpt was obviously written by a bloke. Eat it up boys.

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in  any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Well, I hope that made your day, cos it did mine.

I love Fridays, and it’s not just because it’s the end of the week and I have the whole weekend to look forward to. It’s also because I get to do another of my Friday’s funnies post again, Once again I thought I would include one of the emails I received. They say that a picture paints a thousand words, well I reckon the picture in this post just goes to show how true that saying is.

So here it is.

I just bought a new boat and decided to take ‘er for the maiden voyage this past weekend.

This is my first boat and I wasn’t quite sure of the exact Standard Operating Procedures for launching it off a ramp, but I figured it couldn’t be too hard.

I consulted my local boat dealer for advice, but they just said “don’t let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat”.

Well, I don’t know what they meant by that as I could barely get the trailer in the water at all!

What am I doing wrong?

Yep, it’s Fridays funnies time again. It always amazes me how often this comes around. Fortunately I just received this in an email and it’s really pretty funny. Naturally I have to warn you that it does contain some profanity, so if you find swear words offensive you may not want to go any further.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: ‘And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin’ towel!’

Although this joke is a bit old, I reckon there may be some of you that haven’t heard it yet. I know that my mate who sent this to me had never seen it before, so hopefully there will be some of you out there that will still get a kick out of it.

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

“Grumpy, my son,” says the Pope, “What can I do for you?”

Grumpy asks, “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

“This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, “I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……

“Grumpy shagged a penguin!”

“Grumpy shagged a penguin!”

I don’t know why there are so many blond jokes out there, and I don’t really care because they can be so bloody funny and there are some days when you can do with a good laugh.

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. “Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!”

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”

“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”

Like everything else jokes tend to move with the times.This particular joke is no different and I can safely say that it absolutely rocks! If it doesn’t get a smile out of you then you just do not have a sense of humor. Oh, this is one of those jokes that has a moral to it. See if you can work out what it is.

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.

“Hey, bud, how are ya?”

“I’m good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!”

“Well, I’m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she’s a robot!”

“No way, how could that be?”

“Way! She’s the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that’s not all, she can have sex, too!”

“Holy shit! You’re kidding, right?”

“No, she’s something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her.”

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming “Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp” Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!”

The guy says, “Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!”

Guess what guys? It’s Friday and therefore it’s time for the regular Friday’s Funnies. OK, OK, I missed out a few, but shit happens man, so get over it will ya Anyway, as usual, take heed of the following warning. There may be some swear words in the following story, so if you think you may be offended, do yourself a favor and do not read beyond this point.

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon I am 91 years old and live at the Trafalgar Square Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Joan